June 16, 2019

One of my father's greatest gifts was his ability to love others unconditionally, flaws, and all. When I would complain to him about my perception of one's ignorance, he would always smile and say, "McKenna, ignore them. Be happy."

If you Google "First Father's Day Without Dad," you will instantly get inundated with post after post. There are no words to describe the heartache I'm feeling and how much I miss my dad. I've been feeling sick to my stomach even at the thought of today.

As a little girl I would rush into my parents' bedroom on Father's Day morning with my best attempt at serving breakfast in bed screaming, the happy birthday melody but instead of Happy birthday, I would say Happy Father's Day. One particular Father's Day I tripped onto their bed, spilled the entire bowl of Raisin Brand, yes that was my favorite as a little girl, on both my parents, milk and all. I can still hear my father laughing and thanking me for thinking of him.

You simply cannot escape the Father's Day madness. The other day I took a massive detour in the grocery store to avoid walking past the overwhelming display of Father's Day greeting cards. It was bad enough the music they play now makes me cry at the drop of a hat. I refuse to walk past the greeting card aisle until Father's Day is long gone. As if all that isn't bad enough, there's the never-ending Father's Day advertising.

Buy dad a grill set this Father's Day!

Bring home a delicious ice cream cake for dad this Father's Day!

Take dad out for a big juicy steak this Father's Day!

Pretty much every single Father's Day advertisement I cannot even stand seeing. Everywhere I go, I notice all the little things that make me remember him. Even though those little things hurt, I will cherish them FOREVER. Food, stores, people, music, activities, and even everyday tasks make me tear up. I've never been a crier, but by golly, life has SUCKED without my best friend here. I still have his number in my phone, and even though he doesn't want to listen, I still call and wait to hear him say "Leave a message." Since he's been gone, I've had to find different ways to grieve. There are days that I don't even want it on my mind, but when writing this, I am wide awake thinking about him. I'm going to pull out pictures, ones with him in them to laugh and cry a little while reminiscing. I'm thinking about how he was taken way too soon, and it isn't the same here without my dad. Even though I know he is in a better place and one day I will see him again, it's killing me that I can't be face to face with him, especially on this day.

Despite all this, a small piece of me is envious of the endless social media posts I will see proudly displaying other families enjoying a mouth-watering Father's Day meal. Or the presents fathers will receive on this day is exciting but deep down do I wish I could be here giving my father a gift or even take him to his favorite restraint so he can get his 12oz Prime Rib and a baked potato, sour cream and butter only, with Blue Cheese dressing for a salad. And if he was feeling up for dessert, no one could beat Grandmas German Chocolate Cake. In fact, I will tell you something funny, when my dad got sick, he froze pieces of my grandma's cake so when he was able to have sweets, he would instantly have my mom, or I get it out of the freezer for him.

My usual routine leading up to Father's Day would start with me asking him the following, "Dad, what do you want this year?" Like many dads, he would respond, "You, your brother and your mother are my gifts. Just be happy." But I would still try to find him the perfect wallet, t-shirts, cologne, kitchen utensils or perhaps something personalized for him - something to remind him just how much I adored him. I would grab a sentimental card, and then a funny card just because I wanted too.

This year, there will be no search for the perfect gift, no quest for the ideal card, no beating myself up thinking of something non-food related to make my father smile. My father died after a long, valiant battle with Pancreatic Cancer. My only purchase will be some beautiful flowers and candles to put on his grave.

Just six months ago, I watched my father - the most wonderful man I know - go to heaven. First, cancer stole his ability to eat. Slowly, he lost so much weight that you could count his ribs. Then he could no longer use the restroom on his own or get out of bed on his own. During the final days of his life, he was so weak he couldn't even lift his hand to press the button on the remote control for the television. Eventually, my father's voice became so gurgly; it was a challenge to understand what he was trying to tell us. Bit by bit, cancer ripped my father apart. The final days my father was here I cherished so much. So many things were going through my head. I tried so hard for him to eat a key lime popsicle because that was another favorite of his and knew it wouldn't be so hard for him to do. I just wanted him to say I love you to me. I held his hands like no other and will never forget that feeling. Or even on a day that he didn't do much, he reached over weak as could be and placed his hand on my thigh. I didn't know what to say. He always knew what I needed.

Now all I'm left with are a lifetime of beautiful memories that send me into a tailspin of anxiety, depression, endless tears, and a broken heart. If you're reading this and your father is alive, promise me you will hug your father this Father's Day and take him out to dinner. Promise me - if you were blessed like me - that you will thank your father for a wonderful life.

If you're like me and have lost a father whom you love and adore, let's embrace Father's Day with gratitude and courage. Let's celebrate our fathers' memories and courage. Countless individuals walk through life never experiencing unconditional fatherly love. To them, Father's Day can represent a massive void. Many will never know the love of a father. When I think of this, I realize I have been blessed with a magnificent man for a father.

My father has always been my hero - the man who loved me unconditionally and made everything better. Even in death, he continues to show me he's always there for me. This Father's Day, I will do something to make my new guardian angel proud and smile.

Happy Heavenly Father's Day, Daddy. I love you more.